What is your stuttering mindset? Are you a victim, bystander or unstoppable? In my decades of stuttering, I experienced all three parts of those stuttering mindsets at some point or another. I felt like a victim early in my life, was a bystander in my 30’s and 40’s, then worked like crazy to become unstoppable in my mid-50’s.
The Stuttering Mindset: It's Your Choice
You may not realize that your stuttering mindset is a choice, but it is. It’s entirely up to you. In fact, you may not even realize that you’re making the choice in the first place. Let me explain.
We all make choices in life, some actively planned, some not. Those seemingly unconscious choices are not what they seem — they’re still choices you make. Perhaps you’re just going along with the flow or you’re simply adapting to the circumstances at hand, but don’t be mistaken: they’re still your choices.
The stuttering mindset you choose sets the stage for your life with stuttering. The good news is that you can always change it. I certainly did.
Rationalizing with a Victim Mindset
For decades, I moped around with a victim mindset. I didn’t plan it that way, nor did I consciously make that choice. But, in truth, I did. I thought like a victim, acted like a victim and lived like a victim. So, I guess I made the choice to be a victim.
In my victim mindset, I thought stuttering was something that happened to me. I knew a hard stuttering block was always right around the corner, just waiting to pounce on me. Maybe this sound, that word, the next sentence. It was just a matter of time. And all I could do was sit there and take it, like a sitting duck.
“Why me,” I thought. “Why do I have to be saddled with this?” I envied the charmed lives of others. They seemed to speak effortlessly, enjoy conversations, and have great times at parties — all things that were ridiculously difficult for me.
In a sense, the victim mindset worked for me, giving me an obvious excuse that everyone could see (and hear) why I wasn’t moving forward in my life. That’s why I chose a major in college that didn’t interest me and used that degree to get into a career that I hated even worse, all to avoid stuttering. Insanity.
It was one compromise after another, but could you blame me, I have a stuttering problem! Isn’t it obvious! Stuttering was always my unsaid excuse.
Sure, I had an excuse, but what was the value in that? Life was passing me by and all I had to show for it was missed opportunities and regrets. Nothing good ever came out of my victim mindset. It was a ticket to nowhere.
Watching Life Pass By -- The Bystander Mindset
By the time I reached my 30’s, I had failed at speech therapy too many times to try it again. I settled into a lower-level job that enabled me to get my feet on the ground, start a family and buy a house. That was good; I am forever thankful for that job. But it was a safe job that didn’t have much of a future and it was a massive compromise from the career of my dreams. That wasn’t so good.
Sure, I was making progress, but now I was a bystander, still watching my life pass by and not doing much about my speech. It was easier this way, though not very productive. I didn’t fret about improving my speech; I didn’t really have to as long as I had this job. The money was modest, but it was almost worth it, since I didn’t have to talk in challenging situations. That was just how I wanted it: Safe.
That would change after five years when the company’s management team began to undergo a change and I thought my safe job might become insecure. I went looking for another new, safe job.
The Great Opportunity that Almost Wasn't
I thought I found one. I went to the interview thinking it was just another safe, writing job. But when the CEO gave me the offer, I learned that I would have to consult with heads of large public companies. Even though the position offered 50% more than my salary (at the time) with the potential for much more in bonuses, I turned it down. How could I possibly do that job!
I told the CEO sheepishly, “I don’t think I can do this job, I have a speaking problem.” He replied, “I know. It might be a problem at the start with some clients, but when they get to know you and see your work, you should be okay.”
Fortunately, the CEO persisted, deflected my rejections and talked me into taking the post. In retrospect, it was a life-changing event. My income increased substantially; but more importantly, the job brought me into a host of new speaking situations that led to a major improvement in my speech. Moreover, it gave me a confidence in speaking in certain situations (not all) that was entirely new to me.
The bystander was beginning to take steps forward. After 10 years in consulting, I thought I finally had good enough speech to enter the career I dreamed of since the age of 11: investment management. I took one job and then another, both of which brought me into more speaking situations and more improvement. Still, the job was pushing my progress, not me. I was still a bystander, just less so.
Exploring the Unstoppable Mindset
Then I made the big step: To open up my own firm. I thought I was ready, though in truth I didn’t have a choice: Who was going to hire a 54-year old investment advisor who shied away from the phone, couldn’t introduce himself and had too few clients?
A year later, stuttering stared me right in the face. My first year in business was wonderful. I built the firm of my dreams, but there was just one problem: not enough clients. My back was against the wall. Either I get more clients or I might be out of business. Then what? No one was going to hire me. I had to do something.
To build my client base, I didn’t need to become a perfectly fluent speaker, I just needed to become a more effective communicator.
That’s when this bystander finally took action. I relearned to speak by mimicking broadcasters and retrained my brain by challenging my destructive thoughts and getting out in the world. Gradually I pushed myself into new situations that once paralyzed me.
One small step at a time, my confidence grew, gaining traction as I scored one success after another. By stacking successes consistently, my expectations regarding speaking eventually shifted from anticipating failure to expecting positive outcomes.
So many small successes one after another turned speaking into a success habit. Over time, I experienced the most incredible transformation in mindset: I felt unstoppable. I felt like I could take on any speaking challenge and win.
How This Transformation Can Happen for You
Let’s review what happened. Until I was about 30, I felt like a victim, crying “Why me?” at every turn. Stuttering was a great excuse for my failure. With that mindset, I went nowhere, compromising my career and suffering deep depressions.
I became a bystander in my 30’s and 40’s, not actively working through my stuttering, but improving my speech as a result of advancing into jobs that forced me to speak more and more.
As helpful as these jobs were to my speech, they were still compromises. I still avoided being in my dream career since I didn’t think I could talk well enough. Moreover, although I improved my speech somewhat, my effectiveness as a communicator capped out at a pretty low level — okay on small talk and controlled situations, but still avoiding situations that I perceived as truly challenging.
It was only after I went off on my own and had my back to the wall, that I marshalled all of my grit, determination and creativity. I made the commitment to become a more effective communicator and didn’t stop advancing until I reached my goals.
Make the Choice to Be Unstoppable
As you can see, victims and bystanders can become unstoppable. You can make that change. But it can’t just be an idea; it needs to be backed by real change. Otherwise, it’s just a pack of nice intentions and that won’t do you much good.
Becoming unstoppable with your speech requires intelligent strategies and a relentless commitment to keep pushing forward until you reach your goals. There are no short cuts, no aha moments. There is no substitute for sustained, hard work.
Ultimately, becoming unstoppable is the choice of a lifetime. It’s a choice that will determine your life trajectory. Sure, you can get by in life by being a victim or a bystander, but you may miss a lot and pile up regrets that will gnaw at your core.
Being unstoppable doesn’t mean you’re perfectly fluent. It simply means that you’re not going to let stuttering stop you. Regardless of your stuttering, you are determined to live the life you want without compromise. You are free to say whatever you want, to whomever you want, whenever you want. Stuttering is not going to stop you.
If you want to know how good your life can be, make the commitment to become unstoppable. Put in the work and hang in there until you get the results you want. It will be the hardest thing you ever try and hopefully the most worthwhile. It’s your choice; the choice of your lifetime.
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